Imagine being raw, rubbed bare, tender red and exposed. Like burned flesh never closing over from the torture of the fire of the childhood you can barely recall. Yet it’s there, recalling you, over and over. When you least expect it, you stumble. Over and over again, the pain and the torture, over and over, laid bare, raw and naked.
Day after day pretending and faking the mask held tight to your face. Tight enough to hold the tears back. Always so close to breaking, bursting like a stormy sky.
Never knowing what to do or to say. It wouldn’t matter you think, no it doesn’t matter, because you KNOW they hate you anyways. You don’t know why, you show kindness, you give and they take, and you try some more and you try too hard.
The emptiness, the hollow loneliness of nobody connected to you or you to them…and then you’re wishing you were the air. You like the idea of being everywhere, of being nowhere, you understand it in your deepest core. You long for it constantly. Always, the longing is always there. Wanting to be in the world, wanting to be between the worlds, anywhere else but this world. This moment. This Now.
Raw—-That is how my days are
If you like me, are diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, your days may be similar. We live everyday fighting our minds and the hardwired misconstrued view of how life is. ….
Imagine walking through life with all your skin removed and a slight breeze blowing, that is how life, how the hurt of it feels like to me. It feels like pain. Intense raw gut tearing pain. For a person that believes everything derives from the basis of Love, pain and the lack of love in their environment is a dark abyss of agony. For a person that feels only love, it’s like being at the bottom of a dry well.
This is for those who want to understand someone who walks this path daily, so that maybe you will be better able to understand when you witness them stumble and fall, try and fail. Every day.
I am sitting here, not knowing what I want to say, but knowing how I feel, how it feels this thing called life, to my raw open heart and mind unbounded.
There are no words to describe or fill, the vast empty space, of loneliness and disconnection, of how it feels at times when you live with borderline personality disorder (BPd).