The World Falling In Transition

Against Me, the World Falling

Everywhere. In transition,   I am transition. I am Transforming.

My emotions are fluid, and move from one to the next, like water around rocks.  Tumbling and bubbling. Smooth and splashing.

I can feel like everyone is against me, no one cares at all, or everyone has it out for me. These feelings are survival tactics on autopilot, hard wired in my brain, that was molded at a very early age at the hands of an abuser.   Twisted dark in their own depths of pain.

In my head, somewhere so deep that I barely perceive of it, and even then, only a little too late, hides my unconscious layers I can only glimpse and have yet to fully meet.  That self, myself,  that stays ever constant and busy with the acts of survival.  Resisting, hiding crouched low, like a castaway aboard my human ship hides my child.  Never again to be hurt so completely.  Betrayed, absolute.

It is hard to put into words how I feel in my daily life. All I know is I feel.  Constantly, I feel.   Sometimes it is a good feeling. so good it can only be described with words such as joy, bliss, amazement.  Other times, it is so bad, the words used are agony, despair, desolation, distraught, depravity.

Transition - female on tracks

geralt / Pixabay

All I know, is that my moods flash like sunlight thru leaves.   Bright then shaded, smooth then broken.  From one to another in constant movement an emotional dance.   One minute, tears of amazement pour forth from my over filled heart! Moments later, the same tears turn to a rushing torrent pouring from a bottomless empty space that nothing has ever or will ever fill.

My emotions are fluid, and move from one to the next like water around rocks.  Tumbling and bubbling. Smooth and splashing.  Everywhere. In transition,   I am transition.

I am Transformation.  I am Transforming.

 

Imagine You’re Raw

Imagine being raw, rubbed bare, tender red and exposed.  Like burned flesh never closing over from the torture of the fire of the childhood you can barely recall.  Yet it’s there, recalling you, over and over. When you least expect it, you stumble.  Over and over again,  the pain and the torture, over and over, laid bare, raw and naked.terion miller

Day after day pretending and faking the mask held tight to your face.  Tight enough to hold the tears back.  Always so close to breaking, bursting like a stormy sky.

Never knowing what to do or to say.  It wouldn’t matter you think, no it doesn’t matter, because you KNOW they hate you anyways. You don’t know why, you show kindness, you give and they take, and you try some more and you try too hard.

raw - broken glass on red background

vetonogueira / Pixabay

The emptiness, the hollow loneliness of nobody connected to you or you to them…and then you’re wishing you were the air.  You like the idea of being everywhere, of being nowhere, you understand it in your deepest core.  You long for it constantly.  Always, the longing is always there.  Wanting to be in the world, wanting to be between the worlds, anywhere else but this world.  This moment. This Now.

Raw—-That is how my days are

If you like me, are diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, your days may be similar.   We live everyday fighting our minds and the hardwired misconstrued view of how life is.  ….

Imagine walking through life with all your skin removed and a slight breeze blowing, that is how life, how the hurt of it feels like to me.  It feels like pain.  Intense raw gut tearing pain.  For a person that believes everything derives from the basis of Love, pain and the lack of love in their environment is a dark abyss of agony.  For a person that feels only love, it’s like being at the bottom of a dry well.

This is for those who want to understand someone who walks this path daily, so that maybe you will be better able to understand when you witness them stumble and fall, try and fail.  Every day.

I am sitting here,  not knowing what I want to say, but knowing how I feel, how it feels this thing called life, to my raw open heart and mind unbounded.

There are no words to describe or fill,  the vast empty space, of loneliness and disconnection, of how it feels at times when you live with borderline personality disorder (BPd).

 

On the Border of Personality

What Is BPD?

Standing on the Border of Personality

Borderline personality disorder can not only be difficult to live with , but be difficult to understand. Even the experts can sometimes need to really study up so that they can recognize and diagnose it without the standard stigma attached. Diagnosis is particularly difficult in teens and young adults because many of the symptoms are typical teenage angst, and then there are the ones that are not.

lone person walking

Comfreak / Pixabay

Borderline Personality Disorder or BPd is a mental illness that is characterized by emotional instability and vulnerability. Someone with BPd has difficulty regulating his or her emotions and has changeable moods, I call them faceted moods.  Emotionally,  people with BPd can go from normal to breaking the spectrum on “any emotion here” ,0 to 90 in seconds flat.  We are labelled extremists and drama seekers, but we are not, in our minds everything warrants our sadness, happiness, anger.  We view the world thru idealistic lenses and traverse it with our hearts laid bare and raw on our sleeves.  We don’t know where we fit in, and our emotionally driven ways don’t make fitting in very easy at all anyway.  All this leads to several symptoms and behaviors typical of the disorder:

  • Impulsive and risky behaviors
  • Self-loathing or overly compensation with arrogance 
  • Suicidal thoughts and/or actions, ready to leave this world at any time, lost value of life
  • Quick and frequent mood swings that can be subtle or extreme
  • Episodes of intense depression, anxiety or anger, the darkness of being becomes too much
  • Inappropriate reactions, extreme reactions, emotions out of range for the context of the situation
  • Unstable relationships or no relationships at all.  

It’s a hard diagnosis.  It’s a hard roll of the dice to be stuck with to be sure! For those of us that live it, it’s constant work, constant processing.  I talk to myself AND answer myself and it’s the least of my “crazy”.

If you have Borderline Personality Disorder and suffer through the empty dark desolate days, where we long to go home, be gone, or as I like to say, I want to be the ether, everywhere and nowhere simultaneously.  Here are a few things we have to remember about being who we are:

  • We are hard wired this way.  They can scan our brains and they look different.  We are brain damaged so to speak.   We didn’t get the bond and protection we needed as infants and our baby brains were growing, forming, and wiring themselves to their environment.  Millions of synapses making connections, wiring the thought processes. Nature vs Nurture, we are the ultimate double whammy. and survived it.
  • Many people who have lived through the trauma of the kind of childhoods many of us have had,  end up with split personality disorder. I can’t imagine if there were more facets of me to deal with that couldn’t remember each other! So lucky us.  We were strong enough to hang in there.
    Woman with steam coming out ears

    komposita / Pixabay

  • Sometimes it is a blessing to be so emotional sensitive.  We truly feel, for good and bad, we are in there knee deep in the emotional muck of living and that is what being alive is about.
  •  We are strong enough to hold the intense emotional energy.  Emotions of such magnitude generate energy of the same magnitude.  We are like walking beacons and batteries.  We tend to the extremes that others cannot and we remind people of the fragility of being human.  When we wound each other through our actions or words, it causes pain and suffering.
  • We offer a different view of the world that only we with our rawness and extremes can offer.  Differences are good.
  • We are incredibly strong and resilient. Worthy of love and friends. We just need people as special as we are.
  • and lastly, remember …It IS what It IS… the past is gone, non existent and the future is yet to exist.  We can only  be who we are supposed to BE and we can only be where we ARE.

Mortals need not apply.

Ability of Skill

Ability Skill and Knowledge.

A skill is the ability to use one’s knowledge

effectively and readily in the execution or
performance of a task.
A skill is something you learn how
to do that can help you to have a
happier, safer and healthier life.
Our goal is to learn skills that will
allow you to help yourself and
make the most out of who you
are.

Learning Skills

www_slon_pics / Pixabay

It is your job to USE a skill once you
have learned it.
Every skill you learn is something you can
take with you and have forever, like a
treasure that no one can take away.
But keep in mind that learning new skills is
hard work. It helps to practice the skills as
much as you can between groups .

Something you do for someone else as a
way of repairing the relationship if it has
been damaged in some way.

The relationship we have with each other is central, and should be based on
trust, respect, and cooperative work on
common and individual goals.

If anyone should break any of the agreed
upon rules and or agreements (because
sometimes people do make mistakes)
then a Repair will be expected.

Repairs can come in a variety of different forms
– you are encouraged to be
creative should you need to make a repair.

The reasons we do repairs are
Human relationships are very important.

It is important that when you have hurt
someone, you make an effort to make it up to
that person or people that you have hurt.

No one is perfect, and everyone deserves a
chance to make up for a mistake.

It reminds us to respect and value each other.
It feels good to do something nice for someone else

Goals of Skills Training

1. Confusion about self, cognitive dysregulation
2. Interpersonal chaos Fears of Abandonment
3. Dysregulated emotions, moods, Excessive Anger, Excessive Sadness
4. Impulsiveness, Suicide Threats

Behaviors to Increase
1. Core mindfulness skills
2. Interpersonal effectiveness skills
3. Emotion regulation skills
4. Distress tolerance skills