The World Falling In Transition

Against Me, the World Falling

Everywhere. In transition,   I am transition. I am Transforming.

My emotions are fluid, and move from one to the next, like water around rocks.  Tumbling and bubbling. Smooth and splashing.

I can feel like everyone is against me, no one cares at all, or everyone has it out for me. These feelings are survival tactics on autopilot, hard wired in my brain, that was molded at a very early age at the hands of an abuser.   Twisted dark in their own depths of pain.

In my head, somewhere so deep that I barely perceive of it, and even then, only a little too late, hides my unconscious layers I can only glimpse and have yet to fully meet.  That self, myself,  that stays ever constant and busy with the acts of survival.  Resisting, hiding crouched low, like a castaway aboard my human ship hides my child.  Never again to be hurt so completely.  Betrayed, absolute.

It is hard to put into words how I feel in my daily life. All I know is I feel.  Constantly, I feel.   Sometimes it is a good feeling. so good it can only be described with words such as joy, bliss, amazement.  Other times, it is so bad, the words used are agony, despair, desolation, distraught, depravity.

Transition - female on tracks

geralt / Pixabay

All I know, is that my moods flash like sunlight thru leaves.   Bright then shaded, smooth then broken.  From one to another in constant movement an emotional dance.   One minute, tears of amazement pour forth from my over filled heart! Moments later, the same tears turn to a rushing torrent pouring from a bottomless empty space that nothing has ever or will ever fill.

My emotions are fluid, and move from one to the next like water around rocks.  Tumbling and bubbling. Smooth and splashing.  Everywhere. In transition,   I am transition.

I am Transformation.  I am Transforming.

 

DIALECTICAL BEHAVIOR TIPS

Dialectical Coping

Daily Dialectical Coping.  It’s a form of  constant mindfulness that I have to maintain in order to get through the day.  Always questioning my thoughts and feelings, “Are these real? too extreme? can I validate them with facts?” I think it hinders everything in my life because it takes so much focus.  How can I focus on other people when I have to keep myself in such hard check?  Friendships, dating (what a joke) everything gets neglected because I am dealing with “me” so much.  Is this wellness? Does it get easier?

puzzle pieces on head

geralt / Pixabay

Relationships are my goal this year.  ITs the final step on my wellness list.  I have a dating profile up, I think I will post it here on the site so everyone can see it.
These are some of the things I work on daily:
My Tips for thinking Dialectically
  • Avoid words like “Always” and “Never” they are limiting and words are powerful.
  • Practice not speaking when someone is talking to me, be a better listener and see other points of view
  • Remember that no one has source truth, every person is reflecting their own subjective version of what they think is truth
  • Use “I feel” statements, it’s less abrasive than “I think” and it’s more accurate since it is those pesky over the top feelings causing the need for guidelines to begin with
  • Remind myself that the only constant is change and change is good.
  • Accept that different opinions can both be
    legitimate, and that everyone has a right to have theirs no matter how stupid I think it is.  Don’t tell them they are stupid.
  • Consider that we all have both good and bad qualities in differing quantities
  • Check out your assumptions,
    – do not put words in other peoples mouth or expect others to read your mind, and remember it’s NOT ALL ABOUT YOU
  • Try to appreciate how different from eachpicture of terion miller
    other we all are and how interesting we each are in our own quirky ways, and remember everyone has their own personal bullshit to deal with, you haven’t been given extra.