I am Not Bodi Biased

The World Falling In Transition

Against Me, the World Falling

Everywhere. In transition,   I am transition. I am Transforming.

My emotions are fluid, and move from one to the next, like water around rocks.  Tumbling and bubbling. Smooth and splashing.

I can feel like everyone is against me, no one cares at all, or everything animate and inanimate truly has it out for me.

These feelings, must sound irrational to the majority maybe, but for me they are survival tactics on autopilot.  Hard wired in my brain.  A brain molded at a very early age by the hands of abuse.   Tied to their own terrible twisted way.  They most likely had been abused and left in  in their own dark depths of pain. In the damp sweaty shame.

In my head, somewhere so deep that I barely perceive of it, and even then, only a little too late, hides my unconscious layers I can only glimpse and have yet to fully meet.  That self, myself,  that stays ever constant and busy with the acts of survival.  Resisting, hiding crouched low, like a castaway aboard my human ship hides my child.  Never again to be hurt so completely.  Betrayed, absolute.

It is hard to put into words how I feel in my daily life. All I know is I feel.  Constantly, I feel.   Sometimes it is a good feeling. so good it can only be described with words such as joy, bliss, amazement.  Other times, it is so bad, the words used are agony, despair, desolation, distraught, depravity.

Transition - female on tracks

geralt / Pixabay

All I know, is that my moods flash like sunlight thru leaves.   Bright then shaded, smooth then broken.  From one to another in constant movement an emotional dance.   One minute, tears of amazement pour forth from my over filled heart! Moments later, the same tears turn to a rushing torrent pouring from a bottomless empty space that nothing has ever or will ever fill.

My emotions are fluid, and move from one to the next like water around rocks.  Tumbling and bubbling. Smooth and splashing.  Everywhere. In transition,   I am transition.

I am Transformation.  I am Transforming.

 

 

Imagine You’re Raw

Imagine being raw, rubbed bare, tender red and exposed.  Like burned flesh never closing over from the torture of the fire of the childhood you can barely recall.  Yet it’s there, recalling you, over and over. When you least expect it, you stumble.  Over and over again,  the pain and the torture, over and over, laid bare, raw and naked.terion miller

Day after day pretending and faking the mask held tight to your face.  Tight enough to hold the tears back.  Always so close to breaking, bursting like a stormy sky.

Never knowing what to do or to say.  It wouldn’t matter you think, no it doesn’t matter, because you KNOW they hate you anyways. You don’t know why, you show kindness, you give and they take, and you try some more and you try too hard.

raw - broken glass on red background

vetonogueira / Pixabay

The emptiness, the hollow loneliness of nobody connected to you or you to them…and then you’re wishing you were the air.  You like the idea of being everywhere, of being nowhere, you understand it in your deepest core.  You long for it constantly.  Always, the longing is always there.  Wanting to be in the world, wanting to be between the worlds, anywhere else but this world.  This moment. This Now.

Raw—-That is how my days are

If you like me, are diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, your days may be similar.   We live everyday fighting our minds and the hardwired misconstrued view of how life is.  ….

Imagine walking through life with all your skin removed and a slight breeze blowing, that is how life, how the hurt of it feels like to me.  It feels like pain.  Intense raw gut tearing pain.  For a person that believes everything derives from the basis of Love, pain and the lack of love in their environment is a dark abyss of agony.  For a person that feels only love, it’s like being at the bottom of a dry well.

This is for those who want to understand someone who walks this path daily, so that maybe you will be better able to understand when you witness them stumble and fall, try and fail.  Every day.

I am sitting here,  not knowing what I want to say, but knowing how I feel, how it feels this thing called life, to my raw open heart and mind unbounded.

There are no words to describe or fill,  the vast empty space, of loneliness and disconnection, of how it feels at times when you live with borderline personality disorder (BPd).

 

Money Be Gone Forever

I want to be able to get rid of the money system.

I would rid the world of money.  Yes I said it.

I literally fantasize about how in my perfect world there would be no money.  If I could make it so, in my fantasy scenario, the world would wake up, on a seemingly normal day, and find every account, in every bank, in every country, for every person would read a balance of $99999999999999999999999999999.

Yes, accounts maxed out all the way, and there would be be no announcements, no commentaries from the incessant media.  Silence on the money matter. Isn’t it rude to talk about wealth, anyway?

Let the people do as they will.

It would be an awakening of wealth for the whole world.  With absolutely not a single thing the banks or governments could say or do,  to stop or control it.  Sure,  people would go nuts for a bit. There would be a buying frenzy of… I don’t know,but I would LOVE to see what kind of proportions!  Can you imagine what some of the backwoods “never had nothing Billy-bubbas” might do if they could? Suddenly everyone had all the money they ever imagined!  Crazy shit would go down.  Great film would be shot.

Woman waiting in luxury for plane

Engin_Akyurt / Pixabay

I don’t know what I would do if I suddenly could do anything

….no, I take that back, I do I would head straight to the airport, because I want so much to see the world, but thinking more logically, I would know, chaos is not really a good time for vacations.  The crowds I imagine would be brutal.  With people on a worldwide spring break party bash blowout, traveling, would definitely be out.  So down to the first realtor I would head to buy up the biggest chunk of land on the mountain I could find…that’s what I would do.  Then I would hole up,  start planting a big garden, and wait.   While everyone enjoys getting the wealth and the materialism out of their systems, I would wait for the crash.  It would be something like a sugar crash, and it’d be inevitable.  Gorging on sweets makes everyone sick eventually.  It would come and I would be up on my mountain, waiting.

Every night,  every account,  everywhere, would reset and be maxed out again.

Much quicker than most people would think I bet, the shopping delirium would subside.  Shelves would be empty.  No one would be showing up to stock them.  Things would be a mess, a huge, chaotic mess.  That’s when it would happen.  People would naturally start to team up and work together.  It would be small tasks at first, to do this and that, probably something charitable, suddenly people will remember the elderly or something.  Momentum will start building and organization will start to emerge, because who wants to live like royalty in such a shit hole.  Imagine how trashed it would get with everyone on party mode for a few weeks!  People currently have no respect for anything, I say let them have it all, tear it all up themselves, and learn like children do, if you trash your toys, there is nothing good to play with.  So the people would do what people do, form groups/tribes and start organizing and doing the things that need getting done, …community would happen naturally, because, it too is inevitable.

different colored people

geralt / Pixabay

Tangible Goods Represented by What?

It will take everyone having an extreme excess of money for a period of time, before it will be accepted that the world will work, with or without, the trading of worthless, paper,  promise notes for actual goods and services. Tangible things with true value for ridiculous worthless paper or better yet, oh how about figment-ed bitcoins…WTF is that … a pixel? a thought?..it’s NOTHING people!! Nothing that represents something.  We are going from worthless paper, to ideas digitized to represent worth, to put value on real concrete things.  Call me a Rockefeller because ideas, I’m rolling in them… wait let me get my pixel book….

Yet, a world with no money will never work until all the people who have been the “have not’s” get to have, and the “have everything”,  understand there isn’t a difference to their lives by sharing and giving equal life to others(It will actually add value to their lives but we can’t expect them to go leaps and bounds, baby steps, baby steps).  Life is plentiful, there is enough for everyone.  The system was put in place to be so.  Those that have been can still play the part of greedy asshole pigs if they so choose. Their lives, their movie, their elitist attitudes.  They will just have to learn to cope watching everyone having what they need, or perish the thought, what they want! Oppression, done, over.

It’s going to be a big adjustment. The world isn’t fair.  It’s their turn to take part in the uncomfortable other side of life. It’s all about the experience, right?

(yes I realize I do NOT take into consideration the guns in our current societal system, why..? because this is my fantasy and guns have no place in my mind so I often forget them. If everyone has everything, what is there to hoard or protect? )

Now if you want to read up on people working to free the people:

i-uv.com and OPPT

 

On the Border of Personality

What Is BPD?

Standing on the Border of Personality

Borderline personality disorder can not only be difficult to live with , but be difficult to understand. Even the experts can sometimes need to really study up so that they can recognize and diagnose it without the standard stigma attached. Diagnosis is particularly difficult in teens and young adults because many of the symptoms are typical teenage angst, and then there are the ones that are not.

lone person walking

Comfreak / Pixabay

Borderline Personality Disorder or BPd is a mental illness that is characterized by emotional instability and vulnerability. Someone with BPd has difficulty regulating his or her emotions and has changeable moods, I call them faceted moods.  Emotionally,  people with BPd can go from normal to breaking the spectrum on “any emotion here” ,0 to 90 in seconds flat.  We are labelled extremists and drama seekers, but we are not, in our minds everything warrants our sadness, happiness, anger.  We view the world thru idealistic lenses and traverse it with our hearts laid bare and raw on our sleeves.  We don’t know where we fit in, and our emotionally driven ways don’t make fitting in very easy at all anyway.  All this leads to several symptoms and behaviors typical of the disorder:

  • Impulsive and risky behaviors
  • Self-loathing or overly compensation with arrogance 
  • Suicidal thoughts and/or actions, ready to leave this world at any time, lost value of life
  • Quick and frequent mood swings that can be subtle or extreme
  • Episodes of intense depression, anxiety or anger, the darkness of being becomes too much
  • Inappropriate reactions, extreme reactions, emotions out of range for the context of the situation
  • Unstable relationships or no relationships at all.  

It’s a hard diagnosis.  It’s a hard roll of the dice to be stuck with to be sure! For those of us that live it, it’s constant work, constant processing.  I talk to myself AND answer myself and it’s the least of my “crazy”.

If you have Borderline Personality Disorder and suffer through the empty dark desolate days, where we long to go home, be gone, or as I like to say, I want to be the ether, everywhere and nowhere simultaneously.  Here are a few things we have to remember about being who we are:

  • We are hard wired this way.  They can scan our brains and they look different.  We are brain damaged so to speak.   We didn’t get the bond and protection we needed as infants and our baby brains were growing, forming, and wiring themselves to their environment.  Millions of synapses making connections, wiring the thought processes. Nature vs Nurture, we are the ultimate double whammy. and survived it.
  • Many people who have lived through the trauma of the kind of childhoods many of us have had,  end up with split personality disorder. I can’t imagine if there were more facets of me to deal with that couldn’t remember each other! So lucky us.  We were strong enough to hang in there.
    Woman with steam coming out ears

    komposita / Pixabay

  • Sometimes it is a blessing to be so emotional sensitive.  We truly feel, for good and bad, we are in there knee deep in the emotional muck of living and that is what being alive is about.
  •  We are strong enough to hold the intense emotional energy.  Emotions of such magnitude generate energy of the same magnitude.  We are like walking beacons and batteries.  We tend to the extremes that others cannot and we remind people of the fragility of being human.  When we wound each other through our actions or words, it causes pain and suffering.
  • We offer a different view of the world that only we with our rawness and extremes can offer.  Differences are good.
  • We are incredibly strong and resilient. Worthy of love and friends. We just need people as special as we are.
  • and lastly, remember …It IS what It IS… the past is gone, non existent and the future is yet to exist.  We can only  be who we are supposed to BE and we can only be where we ARE.

Mortals need not apply.

DIALECTICAL BEHAVIOR TIPS

Dialectical Coping

Daily Dialectical Coping.  It’s a form of  constant mindfulness that I have to maintain in order to get through the day.  Always questioning my thoughts and feelings, “Are these real? too extreme? can I validate them with facts?” I think it hinders everything in my life because it takes so much focus.  How can I focus on other people when I have to keep myself in such hard check?  Friendships, dating (what a joke) everything gets neglected because I am dealing with “me” so much.  Is this wellness? Does it get easier?

puzzle pieces on head

geralt / Pixabay

Relationships are my goal this year.  ITs the final step on my wellness list.  I have a dating profile up, I think I will post it here on the site so everyone can see it.
These are some of the things I work on daily:
My Tips for thinking Dialectically
  • Avoid words like “Always” and “Never” they are limiting and words are powerful.
  • Practice not speaking when someone is talking to me, be a better listener and see other points of view
  • Remember that no one has source truth, every person is reflecting their own subjective version of what they think is truth
  • Use “I feel” statements, it’s less abrasive than “I think” and it’s more accurate since it is those pesky over the top feelings causing the need for guidelines to begin with
  • Remind myself that the only constant is change and change is good.
  • Accept that different opinions can both be
    legitimate, and that everyone has a right to have theirs no matter how stupid I think it is.  Don’t tell them they are stupid.
  • Consider that we all have both good and bad qualities in differing quantities
  • Check out your assumptions,
    – do not put words in other peoples mouth or expect others to read your mind, and remember it’s NOT ALL ABOUT YOU
  • Try to appreciate how different from eachpicture of terion miller
    other we all are and how interesting we each are in our own quirky ways, and remember everyone has their own personal bullshit to deal with, you haven’t been given extra.

Ability of Skill

Ability Skill and Knowledge.

A skill is the ability to use one’s knowledge

effectively and readily in the execution or
performance of a task.
A skill is something you learn how
to do that can help you to have a
happier, safer and healthier life.
Our goal is to learn skills that will
allow you to help yourself and
make the most out of who you
are.

Learning Skills

www_slon_pics / Pixabay

It is your job to USE a skill once you
have learned it.
Every skill you learn is something you can
take with you and have forever, like a
treasure that no one can take away.
But keep in mind that learning new skills is
hard work. It helps to practice the skills as
much as you can between groups .

Something you do for someone else as a
way of repairing the relationship if it has
been damaged in some way.

The relationship we have with each other is central, and should be based on
trust, respect, and cooperative work on
common and individual goals.

If anyone should break any of the agreed
upon rules and or agreements (because
sometimes people do make mistakes)
then a Repair will be expected.

Repairs can come in a variety of different forms
– you are encouraged to be
creative should you need to make a repair.

The reasons we do repairs are
Human relationships are very important.

It is important that when you have hurt
someone, you make an effort to make it up to
that person or people that you have hurt.

No one is perfect, and everyone deserves a
chance to make up for a mistake.

It reminds us to respect and value each other.
It feels good to do something nice for someone else

Goals of Skills Training

1. Confusion about self, cognitive dysregulation
2. Interpersonal chaos Fears of Abandonment
3. Dysregulated emotions, moods, Excessive Anger, Excessive Sadness
4. Impulsiveness, Suicide Threats

Behaviors to Increase
1. Core mindfulness skills
2. Interpersonal effectiveness skills
3. Emotion regulation skills
4. Distress tolerance skills

Limerick Dating Do’s

Do Limericks turn into Love?
​I wrote this ditty of a limerick for a funny review to leave on someone I was/am talking to on  a dating website.  Yes folks, I am attempting to date, working to my goal of a functional relationship. Go Me!
So far, dates -1. Stand ups-2  Connections – 0
Wrote this for a man I have been talking to, who is smart, funny, and well….I wrote this for him for fun…

Phd Tall as a Tree

Well well what can I say
when he’s on he’s on..and ready to play,

With who? With what? Did you ask where?

girl fish or mermaid

Prawny / Pixabay

Ouch oh yeah,Oh yeah he does,
he likes to pull on hair

Line up ladies, I’ll show you how
brains and seduction work
First you hold my feather duster,
and I will polish all the wood.

Up and down, round and round
is how I get to working
Oh my my is that a leg.
it’s definitely not a gherkin

My mind is wired a little faulty,
Yes it’s a little twisted
Such a muddy pond of players games
yet we all just keep on fishing

I may call dibs, and stake my claim
He’s different than his brothers
the rest of you splish splash away
Ty cat fishing with the others

Prawny / Pixabay

So many words, and sarcastic banter,
Lets not forget the laughter
you can look it up, if you don’t believe me
if you feel you really have to,
It’s in this thing that’s quite profound,
he calls his dictionary
collegiate thick and quite big around
close your eyes if it scares you
So many words you can’t fit in
His pen stroke goes on forever
He makes a  basket of sentences
To carry you off like a bandit
So listen ladies

cartoon man with a book

Prawny / Pixabay

I’m here to say,
He’s really not so scary…
On the Plateau of the Cumberland
Painting walls with dirty words
He’s Ripe, He’s randy and he’s ready
for the taking.

It’s ok, I’m a preacher too

ORDINATION & HELPING OTHERS

I have been ordained now for 7 years.  I have performed exactly 0, that is a big fat zero, weddings.

Not that I am unwilling, or anything, it’s just love and romance tend to stay very far from my grasp, my clutch and sight.

After a while a person can forget that they wanted to have a little side wedding gig.

Possibly forgetfulness played a role in not having any romance come a courting, knocking down the doors to this heart of mine.  I am working on being more focused,  and installing a mental doorbell.

I may not have joined any couples in marriage as a minister, but I can say, I have actually ministered quite a bit, and really love that people share their lives so intimately with me, that they trust me in the inner sanctum of their emotions.  It’s a very special thing and I am grateful and hope that I will always have the very best words, perspective, and understanding that fits the moment.

Open Ministry has great things in regards to doing good works and creating outreach programs that operate with the help and support of donations from the ministers. They ask that you consider supporting the mission in helping others.

Open Ministry is registered in the State of California organized for religious purposes. Cash and in-kind donations may be tax deductible. Donors may make gifts of general support or target their giving to support the endowment of our ministry, specific events, projects and unique charities.

Help Support our Goodworks by Making a Donation Today

Open Ministry contributes to many charitable organizations, listed below are featured for their outstanding works in helping those in need. Join us in supporting these organizations and many more charities.

Spotlight Organizations:

Donors Choose

Here’s how it works: public school teachers from every corner of America post classroom project requests on DonorsChoose.org. Requests range from pencils for a poetry writing unit, to violins for a school recital, to microscope slides for a biology class.

Toys for Tots

The mission of the U. S. Marine Corps Reserve Toys for Tots Program is to collect new, unwrapped toys during October, November and December each year, and distribute those toys as Christmas gifts to needy children in the community in which the campaign is conducted.

Meals on Wheels

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Open- A story about a song

 Now I’m Open, Like You’ve Never Seen Me Before-

This is the first song I ever wrote.  It was like touching lighting.  Fully formed it came rushing out of me in one swift euphony of chords and rhythm and howling vocals that seemed somehow mine but not, it was like being fascinated by being your own puppet and euphoric because the puppeteer tickled your fancy . Yes like I was saying quick and surreal.

It was the highest I will say I have ever felt or any human could ever possibly feel, adrenaline maybe, but I have experienced the sporting rush this is much different, so much finer, brighter, electric. Truly a transcendent thing happened to me, that late fall afternoon in the Ozark woods .

To this day,  still the best decision I ever made in my whole life, was running away at the age of 24, to the hippie commune, also known as Eastwind Community.

I learned to love the things I thought I couldn’t.   Miserable things about life, unfair things about the world, and especially everything about myself.  Amongst the most interesting creative people I had ever known,  with sound, laughter, sun., caves and creeks, communication, confrontation, and heartbeats and breaks.  The very best of friends and always confusing to me fakes. When I sing, it heals broken places only sound can find.

Out of curiosity, I got it reviewed by the Nashville Singer Songwriters Association…they did not like or understand it at all, and the confusion of the review makes me giggle every single time. I find it so perfectly comical and of course not surprising at all that commercial radio rustlers can’t recognize a true creation..in the zone. But whatever, they write songs about whiskey dick, I write songs with gods dick. Rock on.

I have posted their 0 star rating below.  Listen first so you can have your own take on it.

It is me telling my god, source, self, spirit, etc…  hey, listen damnit..I’m open…don’t be a dick.

this song was not meant to be commercial, nothing I write for myself is… but really what is commercial, people ask me to play this one all the time and have for 24 years.  From campfires, to coffee shops, bars, to bus stations, sidewalks, and stages of varied sizes,  this song has never bombed..not once..I’d say odds are it will continue to not suck as long as I am alive to play it as it was meant to be.

 

Song Title – Open

Evaluator Number – 37446

Evaluators Comments
OPEN

EVALUATORS OPENING: Hello, its Evaluator # 37446 and thank you for having
NSAI and myself be a small part of your writing and career. Please
understand that what I am about to lay out are merely suggestions to help
improve your writing and make your song and your future songs as strong as
they can possibly be to compete in todays competitive market. Lets get
started!!

FORM/STRUCTURE: First point to make here is you have very long verses and a
long chorus. A good rule of thumb is LONG VERSE/SHORT CHORUS or vice versa.
Second point would be that you don’t hit your chorus the second time till 3
minutes. I’m not sure I understand the way its put together. V2 just runs on
and on. Try and be more predictable structurally speaking. V-C-V-C-V-C or
V-C-V-C-B-C. Overall the song is lyrically very long.

TITLE/HOOK: The title is average but the payoff is good.

(the above comments aren’t what I thought were funny it’s how confused the person is below by my song)

LYRIC: Overall the lyric is vague. Not sure I understand what the main point
really is. WHO is the one you are singing to?? WHAT is the nature of the
relationship? Just not really getting much sense of that. What caused you
to be OPEN?? What was happening before?? Just try to dig a bit deeper and
try to be more clear. I feel the chorus is saying IM OPEN…..SHINE THROUGH
ME which is all positive but V1 is very confusing and contradictory. REGRET
what I KNEW WITH YOU etc etc. Just not getting a sense of the situation.
Always try to lead the listener down a clear path line by line. A to B to C
etc etc. Be logical when you write your lines.     —– I do not agree that all listeners want to be led by the nose thru a song, besides I think my song is clear about the love/hate try/fail push/pull that is life … yin/yang..sometimes it goes your way other times no one cares…etc 

MELODY/METER: Overall the melody is getting lost due to the amount of lyric.
It all feels a bit cluttered and monotonous. Limiting some of your lyric
will help.

OVERALL THEME/IDEA: I think the idea needs further developing.

 Hilarious to me because I have never had the experience of the lightning bolt, the automation of how the song was complete as it came out of me in minutes, the absolute magic of how this one happened, sure others were good too, but not like this one… it’s the “thing” every musician wants to feel. at risk of sounding religiously goofy, this one came from god or whatever, I feel weird when I say that even though I know it was a power of ..anyways I wish an experience like it for all people it will drop your jaw and change your life.

CLOSING COMMENTS: Overall the song is lyrical lengthy. You can accomplish
more with less. Thats my best advice there. Also with regards to genre, not
sure either but it’s certainly not a Gospel song. Not with some of the lyric.
I hope you find this helpful and I wish you the best with your writing.

I LOVE THAT PART====OMG it can’t be a gospel song ..you can’t talk to god like that ….want to make a bet ..my god isn’t a prick.  isn’t a he…isn’t anything and is everything that IS… which includes me, you,  my sense of humor, your offended feelings,  my foul mouth and my vague lengthy songs. My god is cool like that.

Oh yeah speaking of GODS…

I found this old old song of mine…while I’m strolling down memory lane… my song Perfect God, I’d play this one to get rid of the too prudes.

They would get up and leave. Delusional people should be more fun in my opinion, they refuse to have a laugh.

Think I’ll write a vague song about people that want life of a clear spoon fed variety

Send Me Suggestions

I am collecting obscure lyricists…send me suggestions.  Tanya Donelly is one of my favorites. I love that she knows what her song means. Then to me, it has its own meaning in the soundtrack to the movie called my life…that is what art and poetry is…conceptual, objective, imaginative….I’m ranting ..I shouldn’t judge, everyone should be free to be as small minded and boring and boxed in as they wish to be.

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